hello its me, again, with another dose of self-reflexion, i just dont know with whom i should talk about it, so... sorry.
Again, Im agender. At least I think I am. It is weird for me - to associate myself with someone, or to find myself closer to the one group than to another, or to be accepted by someone as a part of their group... you see. At least when I have quiet times. But it is not always like this. And now I have this stupid period. There is one more point. I have problems with acception of some parts of my body, it is chest (i want to be flat as heck), and uterus and ovaries (i dont want to have them, at least uterus, because im totally uncomfortable about pregnancy theme and i dont want to have something connected inside me). Earlier I had an idea that maybe i want to have ftm-transition, but ive never been quite sure. There are two main reasons: i'm afraid that hormones would change me that i could no longer wear cute dresses and etc (its stupid i know), in addition i'm not even sure if i need hormones, and because I'm very anxious and some people even think that Im schizotypal, so i would just fail on the psych exam. So i wanted just to find other way to have a surgery... but yes, periods like now. very stupid times, very unsettling. in such times i want to be closer to men. closer as with a group(wtf why i dont want to identify myself with anyone but but buuuuuuuuuuuut), and maybe even physically a bit... i mean, to be like them. maybe even to "reborn" as a man. i thought, maybe i'm just jealous, because most of them dont have boobs and uterus, yeah, maybe. And... its stupid but i feel really happy when i realize that i use masculine pronounces, especially in russian. Shortly, I dont understand myself at all. I really dont understand myself, reeeeally, eeeh. whats wrong with me....
again, im sorry about this post
