This is not a regular post, it’s me talking about personal stuff that’s happened to me semi-recently but before you even think about reading on, know that this post was made with a positive conscience. It’s in the past and I’m fine with that. I’m moving forwards with a smile on my face and this is something I know I should get off my chest.
Around early August, I made the decision to leave my irl friend group because I was fed up with how two people constantly behaved. Whether I was truly happy or not with my choice, it was never a choice I regretted. Of course, there were people I still call friends in there (it’s hard to make me dislike someone, it’s an accomplishment) that were worried about me with how I acted and that, friends I wanted to keep in touch with but as time went on, it started to feel like they had no reason to talk to me. When they have the group, why would they? It may not be the case (I really hope it wasn’t the case), but that won’t stop me from thinking it. When you’re me, you’ll very easily take things the wrong or worst way.
I’m on good terms with some other irl groups (that’ll come up later) but none I ever talked to much, and especially not online, so I had almost no one to talk to, save for my best friend and the friends I’ve made on Banpa. They know who they are. If it weren’t for them, I’d probably be in a much worse state, back then and probably now. They’re my main motivation for writing my fanbands as well and I don’t know where I would be without those fanbands. Regardless, not having people to talk about irl stuff (not saying that I mind talking about irl stuff) in a time when you can’t really meet up with anyone is a pretty bad combination. Time went on and I started feeling worse and worse. To summarise early Aug to mid Sep, I was lonely and extremely sad. Of course, there were happy points but if you asked me if I would want to go through it again, I’d have to politely decline.
Fast forward to my birthday and with the people from the old friend group I wanted to keep in touch with, we were planning a irl meet-up night for my birthday in the future. Even me, who would never agree normally especially in these times, knew it was something I needed to go to. And then that never happened. Then an incident happened with my friend and that pretty much solidified me never going back to my friend group. Whatever that group’s up to, they’re a past I’m fine leaving. The only problem with this event was that it reminded me of an aspect of myself I despise. I always find myself in the position of comforting someone. Perhaps because of that, or maybe I’m too good for my own good, that I find myself unable to talk about my own issues with problems others. I want to, but I can never bring myself to. How can I when I’m always on the receiving end? Bottling up something is never good when you keep it in for so long, but I can never follow my own advices, even when I know it’s for the better. I just don’t want to make people worry or sad. If what I do might do that, then I’d rather never do it. That’s the problem with this stupid, selfless side of me, this part of me that I really hate. But, in the end, even if I always tell myself this, even if it true in this case, it’s my problem to resolve and I did just that, unknowingly. A couple days later, a friend from my old old friend group sent me something (if you know my 1st Garupa Anni. post, the friend group I talked about there) and on a whim, I decided to join the voice channel on their Discord server (I’ve always been a part of it, but I’ve never been on it until then). That was the most fun night I had in a while. It wasn’t friends to talk to that I wanted, it was having the courage to take that first step. I had the solution, I just had to take it. After that night, I finally felt comfortable with leaving my group. I was ready for a new start with university. And oh boy, uni. Of course I was extremely nervous about moving out but if there’s one strength I gotta name for myself, it’s my adaptability. Just took a little longer to get used to it and a bit of crying and I've come out having lots of fun, even if my options for fun are a bit limited. I’m super happy that I’m roomed with my flatmates and for once, I let myself be vulnerable for once and told a new friend, in short, what was said all above this. It felt great getting it off my chest, even after coming to terms with said things.
Again, there isn’t really a point to this post besides just getting things off my chest. I wanted to do something like this back around my birthday and I’m glad I didn’t because it would have been a post where I wouldn’t have been happy while making it. Not mainly because of how I was feeling at the time but, like always, because I don’t want to make people worry and that’s a problem I just gotta work around, nothing I can do about it. It’s just in my nature and that’s fine by me.
